Tag: self-acceptance

Just the way you are

by Dr Lee Chyi LAM, posted in Food for Thought

Have you ever been told by someone that you’re not good enough?  That you need to change in order to do well?  Well, OK, maybe not in such a direct way, but implicitly.

When I was preparing for my second attempt of specialist oral examination, which does not only require medical knowledge, but also good presentation skill, I practised by presenting cases to different consultants.  One of the feedback I commonly received was that I was not forthright enough, not outspoken enough, that I needed to learn to be louder and more forceful in the way I present.  This was not an easy task, as it pretty much implied that I should change my personality in order to pass the exam.  And I was not sure how becoming more forthright and more forceful in my presentation is going to make me a better paediatrician.

In the midst of the preparation, one day, I presented a case to my then supervisor, someone I respected tremendously.  At the end of my presentation, he gave me very positive feedback, I was surprised.  I told him about other feedback that I received, about learning to be louder and more forceful.  I will never forget his response to me.

In his serious, supportive, and sympathetic tone, he affirmed me, “Everyone has their own unique style, you are soft spoken, but you have a calm and assertive confidence; I can tell you that many families will like and appreciate a paediatrician like you.  There is no need to become someone you’re not.”

And yes, you can guess the impact of that affirmation on me.  And yes, I did pass my specialist oral examination that year, without trying to be someone else.

I want to emphasise that I am not suggesting that we should not improve ourselves and change for the better; but we need to discern if this “better” is simply a matter of opinion or a major character flaw.  Strive to improve our character, but to be true to our own unique personality.  Do you agree? 

Embrace our own uniqueness

by Dr Lee Chyi LAM, posted in Stories of Resilience

It might sound weird, but I am often secretly glad that I am a “singleton” – I don’t mean being single, I mean being born singly, not one of multiple births, especially not one of identical twins.  It must be very distressing to have a “double” living so close in one’s life.  We know we shouldn’t, but we all tend to compare.  It is human nature to compare. 

I once knew a set of identical twins.  Their identicalness stops at their physical features.  There was nothing else identical in all their other aspects.  The older sister (by two minutes) was quiet, proper, unassuming and deferential; whereas the younger was bubbly, exuberant, outgoing and animated.  If one was a water cracker, the other a sweet cookie; if one was a daisy, the other a rose.  One was often overshadowed by the other, the background of a centrepiece.

One day I asked the older sister the most insensitive question, “Does it bother you that she (the younger sister) gets all the attention?”  Her answer surprised me, more so because she was only 15 years old at the time, “I don’t like to attract attention.  I’m glad that my sister and I are not the same.  I think it helps that my parents accept us for who we are.  My dad always said that he’s glad to have two daughters, instead of one in two different bodies.”

And this… IS RESILIENCE!

Resilience is to be confident and comfortable with who we are, without the need to compare ourselves with others; it is a strong sense of identity and self-acceptance.

The lesson I learnt: embrace our own strengths and uniqueness; when we grasp the fact that we are created uniquely for specific purposes, it gives us the assurance to be who we are.

If you are a parent, do not compare your children with anyone else; accept them for who they are, help them to discover their strengths and to become who they were created to be.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – How well I know it. (Psalms 139: 13-14)