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Contented or contended?

by Dr Lee Chyi LAM, posted in Food for Thought

Even before the invention of smartphone and social media, I had already contracted the disorder of FOMO[1].  If you do not know what FOMO stands for, the chance is you do not have the disorder.  If after checking what FOMO stands for (on the footnote), you think you have the disorder, I am afraid you are missing out.

Even before I started school, I had a “phobia” of slipping into sleep during the day, when the sun was still shining.  Life was full of activities, and I was paranoid of missing out during my nap.  Afternoon nap was never a routine in my early memories.  On the few occasions that I slipped into the sin of sleepiness under the bright sunlight, and fell into a slumber against my sluggish will, I would wake up inconsolable, “What did I miss out during my sleep?” 

I did not know that I had FOMO as it was not a known condition until the late nineties, and has only become increasingly recognised in the last 10-20 years, with the rising popularity of social media.

FOMO comes in various forms – the needs to be constantly connected to social media, obsessed with reading all the news to keep up-to-date with the world, inability to say “no” just in case we miss out, inability to commit just in case something better comes up, etc. 

How did I contract such disorder at such a young age?  When I reflected on this, I discovered a few traits underlying such disorder.

I am not enough.

I must perform and outdo others.

I must possess the “right” kinds of things, people, status.

I must please others and be popular.

Do you recognise such traits? The notion that I am not enough the way I am, I must perform and be perceived to be doing something, I must achieve.  I must possess something of value, something enviable – be it a nice car, a luxurious house, a beautiful wife, a to-die-for husband, a successful career…  Even then, if I do not get enough “likes” on my social media posts, there must be something wrong with me.

If no one puts a stop to these, the inevitable outcome is the obsession with “self” – to only think about myself, and only invest in my own interest.  People are there for my advantage and my advancement.  These further breeds discontentment and ingratitude.  The grass is always greener on the other side.

I am not claiming that I am cured of FOMO, but Someone did put a stop to these, so that I can have an afternoon nap without guilt, to disconnect myself from social media without fear, to make a choice without the worries that not everyone will like me for it.  I discovered a few truths that overcome such disorder.

I am created for a purpose.

I have an intrinsic value and worth, irrespective of my ability, achievement, and approval of others.

I am unique and have different gifts and talents from others.

I am allowed to make mistakes, and not be defined by them.

I do not need to compare myself with others.  The grass is not always greener on the other side.  I can appreciate and enjoy life despite its imperfection.  I am free to venture out into the unknown.  I have the resources and resilience to learn from my mistakes.      

Do you suffer from FOMO?  Will you exchange the traits underlying such disorder for the truths to overcome?  Do you live life to get as many “likes” as possible?  Or do you have the freedom to follow your unique calling in life?    

Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at something that doesn’t really matter. – D.L. Moody (American evangelist, the founder of Moody Bible Institute)

[1] FOMO = Fear Of Missing Out

Appreciation

by Dr Lee Chyi LAM, posted in Food for Thought

Do you think you are an appreciative person?  Do you show appreciation when you receive an act of kindness from someone?  Why or why not?

Once, I went to a fine dining restaurant with a group of friends.  The atmosphere was agreeable, the food ambrosial, and the attendants attentive.  At that stage, fine dining was a novelty to me.  I was impressed by the attendants – their knowledge of the food and drink they served, and the customer service they provided.  That night, one attendant particularly stood out.  He was knowledgeable, friendly, and went out of his way to accommodate our requests. 

After the attendant left our table, a friend expressed how impressed she was with the service we received, but then another friend, a “veteran fine-diner” (VFD), blurted out, “This is his job, you know, and he expects a handsome tip at the end of this!”

I have to admit that after hearing that comment, it somehow diminished my appreciation for the attendant.  After all, he was only doing his job, and his motive was to get a handsome tip from us, how manipulative!

However, when I reflected on the event, I realised what had happened, and recognised two “appreciation assassins”: 1) expectation, and 2) negative assumption.  When we believe that people only show us kindness out of duty, or to benefit themselves, our hearts become hardened, which makes it difficult to show our appreciation.

When my VFD friend pointed out that the attendant was merely doing his job, my appreciation was instantly shadowed by my expectation: he was paid to serve, so he was expected to know his stuff and to serve well. 

Another “appreciation assassin” is when we assume someone’s motive to be selfish and self-serving.  My VFD friend’s assumption of the attendant’s self-serving motive automatically makes her and the people around her unappreciative of the service we received.  Instead, we felt manipulated.

So, are you an appreciative person?  If not, why not?  Are you expecting too much of yourself or others?  Do you always assume the worst about others?  As we come to the end of 2020, let us learn to appreciate what we have and receive, and annihilate the “appreciation assassins” in our life.

Just the way you are

by Dr Lee Chyi LAM, posted in Food for Thought

Have you ever been told by someone that you’re not good enough?  That you need to change in order to do well?  Well, OK, maybe not in such a direct way, but implicitly.

When I was preparing for my second attempt of specialist oral examination, which does not only require medical knowledge, but also good presentation skill, I practised by presenting cases to different consultants.  One of the feedback I commonly received was that I was not forthright enough, not outspoken enough, that I needed to learn to be louder and more forceful in the way I present.  This was not an easy task, as it pretty much implied that I should change my personality in order to pass the exam.  And I was not sure how becoming more forthright and more forceful in my presentation is going to make me a better paediatrician.

In the midst of the preparation, one day, I presented a case to my then supervisor, someone I respected tremendously.  At the end of my presentation, he gave me very positive feedback, I was surprised.  I told him about other feedback that I received, about learning to be louder and more forceful.  I will never forget his response to me.

In his serious, supportive, and sympathetic tone, he affirmed me, “Everyone has their own unique style, you are soft spoken, but you have a calm and assertive confidence; I can tell you that many families will like and appreciate a paediatrician like you.  There is no need to become someone you’re not.”

And yes, you can guess the impact of that affirmation on me.  And yes, I did pass my specialist oral examination that year, without trying to be someone else.

I want to emphasise that I am not suggesting that we should not improve ourselves and change for the better; but we need to discern if this “better” is simply a matter of opinion or a major character flaw.  Strive to improve our character, but to be true to our own unique personality.  Do you agree? 

Being passionate and professional no matter what

by Dr Lee Chyi LAM, posted in Stories of Resilience
Coffee art
Coffee Art

Before COVID-19 pandemic and the lockdown in Victoria, one of my favourite ways to relax and to recharge is to sit in a café, alone, sipping latte, while watching people, eavesdropping conversations, or reading books.  I am fortunate to live in Melbourne (I know, most people will not agree with this in the current circumstances) where the coffee culture is great.  There is no lack of unique independent cafes in Melbourne, and most of them serve excellent coffee, often complemented by lovely coffee art.

Unfortunately, since the middle of March, sipping latte in a café has become a luxury; and since early August, with the stage 4 restriction in Melbourne, all restaurants and cafes are closed for dining in, this simple pleasure has become impossible and illegal.  Nowadays I only get to sit down to drink coffee at home or at work, so I have to resort to make-believe latte from home, or take-away latte from the hospital café.

A few days ago, I decided to get a take-away latte from a proper café.  As the barista poured the milk into the take-away cup, he created a lovely heart-shaped coffee art on the surface.  It had been awhile since I saw someone making latte art, my heart swelled with appreciation, I could not help but exclaimed, “Wow, it’s so beautiful!”  The barista looked surprised but was pleased with the compliment.

When I left the café, with the coffee cup warming my hands, and the latte art now hidden by the cup lid, I was impressed by the professionalism of the barista.  In the current climate most people would not notice or appreciate his effort in making the coffee art, as the coffee is handed out to customers in take-away cups, with the lids on; yet he takes the effort to make it beautiful.

That day, I discovered another aspect of RESILIENCE!

Resilience is to be passionate and professional in what we are positioned and purposed to do, no matter what. 

The lesson I learnt: when we face setbacks in life, when no one seems to understand or appreciate what we do, we can still have joy when we maintain a positive perspective and focus on our passion and purpose, rather than being discouraged by the lack of attention and applause.

Cultivating hope

by Dr Lee Chyi LAM, posted in Food for Thought

During the current lockdown, I often hear people say, “I hope this will be over soon.” “I hope we can meet face to face soon.” “Let’s hope it will not get worse than this.”  We all have hope even in the midst of trials, griefs and disappointments.

Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”  I love how he described disappointment as “finite” but depicted hope as “infinite”.

My favourite author Pastor John Piper wrote, “Hope is like a reservoir of emotional strength.”  Those who are hopeful are generally more resilient, and vice versa. How do we cultivate hope in ourselves or in others?  I want to share my thoughts here.

The premise of our hope

What do we base our hope on?  The certainty of our hope depends on the basis of the hope.  Although hope looks to the future, our hope is based on the past.  For example, Christians have full assurance of Heaven and eternal life in the future, which is not based on a future prophecy, but on a past event – the biblical account of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, and the historical account of an empty tomb[1].

Past events give us ground for our hope.  I buy presents for all my nieces and nephews every Christmas, so they are hopeful that they will receive a gift from their favourite auntie this Christmas.  If they had never received Christmas gifts from me, they will be less hopeful of receiving one this year.

However, unfortunately, our memory often fails us.  If, for whatever reasons, my nieces or nephews do not remember receiving any gift from me, they will not hope to receive one this Christmas.  Hence our hope is based on our recollection of past events as much as recorded facts. This is why optimistic and grateful people who remember the good things in life are often more hopeful than those who focus on the negative things.

To be hopeful, we need to cultivate the habit of counting our blessings.

The perpetuation of our hope    

Although hope looks to the future and is based on the past, its perpetuating presence depends on our present action.  Hope propels us to act, and action in turn gives us hope.  People who suffer from depression are paralysed from taking any action to make positive changes in their life, they do not perceive their action will make any difference; on the other hand, failure to act leads to more hopelessness, creating a vicious cycle. 

Our perpetuating hope requires us to act today.  What we decide to do today will decide our tomorrow.

To be hopeful, we need to cultivate the habit of actively doing something positive today, every day.

The projection of our hope

Although hope is based on the past, and depends on the present, it should not be limited by the past nor the present.  We should not let our past successes nor our present sights limit the possibility of our hope.

During this present lockdown, people often ask, “When is this going to end, so we can return to our normal life?”  Really?  After all these, do we hope to return to our “normal” past?  Why don’t we use this opportunity to reflect and to contemplate a better way of life?  It is time to stop dwelling on the past and start dreaming a better future.

Our hope should not lie in returning to the past, however good it had been, but to expect something new, something better than the past and the present.

To be hopeful, we need to cultivate the habit of dreaming the unthinkable.

Expect great things from God. Attempt great things for God. – William Carey

[1] If you are interested in reading more on this, go to https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/historical-evidence-for-the-resurrection

Rights and Responsibilities

by Dr Lee Chyi LAM, posted in Food for Thought
A quote from John Rockefeller
Calligraphy by my 13-year-old niece En Sing Lim

The topic of rights and responsibilities has been on my mind for some time now.  At work, I sometimes see children-at-risk being removed from their parents.  One common reason is parents with drug or alcohol addiction.  Some of these parents relinquish their rights and responsibilities as parents and completely cut off communication with their children.  Some of them are under the Family Reunification Order – the child is being put in an out-of-home care while the parent is asked to make the necessary changes, before the child is reunified with the parent. 

I observed an interesting behaviour of some parents who demanded their rights but denied their responsibilities as parents – they demanded access to their children, to have a say in their children’s health care management and education, but declined to make the necessary changes to meet their children’s basic needs.   

Although there might be many reasons why people ignore the advice on social distancing during the current COVID-19 pandemic, we can’t deny that one chief reason is this issue of rights and responsibilities. 

As our society progresses, the trend moves from community to individualism.  Unfortunately, individualism breeds selfishness – “my rights are more important than the needs of the society”. 

We know that the young and the fit are less affected by COVID-19, but there is a need for EVERYONE to practise social distancing, to protect the aged and the vulnerable in the society. Unfortunately social distancing interferes with our “right” and freedom to go out and socialise, to have a good time.  So the individualistic individuals choose their rights over their responsibilities. “I’m living for the moment.” “I need to have a good time and to party.” “I should be free to do whatever I want.”  The rights of the individuals are far more important than their responsibilities to the society. 

In the Bible, Apostle Paul wrote in his letter to the Corinthians: “I have the right to do anything,” you say – but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything” – but I will not be mastered by anything. (1 Corinthians 6:12) 

Are our rights more important than our responsibilities?  If we raise up generations that focus on rights more than responsibilities, we reap the consequence of a selfish society.

First think about our responsibilities, then, only then, should we be talking about our rights.

Because every right implies a responsibility…

Distance ourselves from negative vibes

by Dr Lee Chyi LAM, posted in Stories of Resilience
A beautiful gift

Have you ever encountered people who exude positive vibes?  How about those who emit negative vibes?  Do you have the insight to differentiate between the two and the effects they have on you?

Many children have more insight than we give them credit for.  Once, I saw an eight-year-old boy with his mother.  During the consultation, somehow the conversation went to the “oral presentation” he had to do in front of his class the next day; he expressed that he felt rather anxious about it.  At the end of the consultation, I casually asked him what he’s going to do for the rest of the afternoon.  He shrugged his shoulder, but his mother answered, “You are going to your nana’s place while I pick up some groceries from the shop.”  To my surprise, he answered, “Noooooo… I don’t want to go to nana’s place…”  He then told his mother (and me) that his nana was a grumpy lady, and always made him feel bad when he was at her place; he did not want to feel bad that day because he needed to be in a “good shape” for his oral presentation the next day.

And this… IS RESILIENCE!

Resilience is to detect and to distance ourselves from people always with negative vibes, especially during critical period of our life.

The lesson I learnt: negative vibes are contagious; negative people often like to spread their negativity to those around them; as much as we want to be sympathetic towards them, we also need to draw a line especially when being around them takes a heavy toll on our mental health.

Currently the whole world is in a war zone, fighting against a pervasive and widespread “biological weapon”.  To protect our physical health, we need to co-operate and practise social distancing.  However, just as important, we need to preserve our mental health, by practising “sensible” distancing – to distance ourselves from people or posts that constantly emanate negative vibes.

Perspective

by Dr Lee Chyi LAM, posted in Food for Thought
Written by En Sing Lim, my 13-year-old niece

OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE

What do you see from the above letters?  Opportunity is now here, or opportunity is nowhere?

I was first shown the above letters in my university days.  I saw that “opportunity is nowhere”.  I was fascinated to discover that different individuals could perceive things differently and come up with completely different conclusions despite looking at exactly the same things.  I was inspired to learn to see opportunities rather than obstacles in my life.

How about you?  Do you tend to see opportunities or obstacles when facing new and unfamiliar situations in your life?

It is often said that we can change our life by changing our attitude.  Unfortunately, it is not easy to simply change our attitude.  It is often necessary to shift our worldview and belief, to view things from a different perspective in order to change our attitude. 

Situations are often neutral.  There are usually pros and cons in every decision.  Our beliefs and perceptions of a situation is what makes it either positive or negative for us.  For example, people who are overly anxious about public speaking often associate it with being judged compared to those who simply perceive it as a channel to present their ideas.

One time, I was walking down a relatively narrow corridor, with high walls and hand rails on each side.  The corridor probably only fit one and a half average person.  Whenever two people walked towards each other from the opposite direction, both had to turn sideways to allow two people to pass through.  As I was walking hastily, feeling claustrophobic by the high walls on both sides, an old small lady walked towards me from the opposite direction.  When we approached each other, I said to her, “It’s a very narrow corridor, isn’t it?”  She looked at me, and replied, “It’s a bit too wide for me, I have difficulty stretching both my arms to hold on to the handrails on each side.”  Oops, why didn’t I see it from her perspective?

Our perspective is often coloured by our past experience and present situation, which in turn affects our view of our present situation, and our hope and expectation for the future.  This is why two different individuals can perceive things differently when being put in the same situation.

Do you only see things from one perspective?  From your own perspective?  Often we need to step out from our own shell in order to see a different perspective.   

Rise above our failures

by Dr Lee Chyi LAM, posted in Stories of Resilience
Jumping for joy

As part of the paediatric specialist training, we have to sit for an oral examination.  It is an all-day exam with a break for lunch between the morning and the afternoon sessions.  During the exam, we are required to assess real patients on the spot without prior knowledge of the patients’ condition.  To prevent us from having met the patients before the exam day, we are allocated to sit the exam interstate.  The whole process is quite stressful, to the body and to the mind.

The first time I sat for my oral exam, I had to fly to Canberra.  I was ill prepared for it, and not surprisingly, I did not pass.  I was not particularly upset by it, as many people did not pass their first attempt.  Nonetheless, it was a painful experience, as at that stage, I had never failed an academic exam in my life.  In addition, the exam only runs once a year, so I had to wait for a whole year to re-sit.

After a brief time of “mourning”, I picked myself up and started to prepare for the exam.  This time, I felt much more prepared.

However, as the day of “grilling” approached, I became very anxious.  I started to have flashes of my previous exam, all the things that I must have done wrong that day, and all the possible reasons why I did not pass.  I started to lose confidence, and had negative thoughts and doubts about my ability. 

I recognised that these were symptoms of anxiety and unless I mastered them, they would affect my performance on the day of my exam.

I had to consciously challenged those negative thoughts and put things into perspective.  One important reality was that my past failure was only a very small part of me, I should not allow it to define me as a person, my life or my worth. 

Even though I don’t think I mastered it, I managed to get my anxiety under control, and passed the exam on my second attempt, in Perth.

Resilience is to rise above our failures; the ability to move on from our failures.

The lesson I learnt: we have an intrinsic value, which is not defined by external successes nor failures; instead of dwelling and lamenting on our failures, reflect and learn from them.

…One of the keys to success is being able to handle failure well. – Ernest Crocker, in his book Nine Minutes Past Midnight

It is our response to defeat that reveals a person’s moral fibre, together with their ability to learn and move on with honour. – John Howard

Failures inspire winner, failures defeat losers. – Robert Kiyosaki, in his book Rich dad poor dad

Fear of taking risks

by Dr Lee Chyi LAM, posted in Food for Thought
Lake Louise, Canadian Rockies

Are you a risk taker?  Or are you afraid of taking risks?

The year I took time off from work, I went to the Philippines to work as a voluntary doctor for six months.  In that same year, I travelled to Nepal and India, with a friend, on our backpacks.  On the way back from India to Melbourne, we stopped in Miri, East Malaysia.

From Miri, we took a small plane to Mulu National Park, a world heritage area well known for its caves and wildlife.  While we were there, we were offered the opportunity to go kayaking on a river.  Neither my friend nor I were good swimmers.  When we were led to the river, the current of the water flowing down the stream seemed rapid and rushed.  But we were in an adventurous mood, and were not in the mindset to say “no” to an adventure… and we survived, with sore arms.

Many years later, I had worked hard and finished my paediatric training, and worked as a paediatrician in Melbourne.  Life was relatively comfortable.  My brother and I, together with our parents, travelled to the Rocky Mountains.  We joined a road tour from Vancouver, it was a slow-paced and relaxed tour.  We visited many beautiful lakes.  One of them was Lake Louise.  This tranquil turquoise-coloured lake, with glaciers as its backdrop, was simply breath-taking.  My brother suggested to go canoeing on the lake. 

I looked at the vast lake, even though the water was still and soothing, I could not see the shore on the other side of the lake.  I felt uneasy and unsettled, “How deep is the water? What if we fall into the water?”  After much persuasion and promise by my brother not to venture too far, I agreed to go into the canoe… and of course, we survived, safe and sound.

Afterwards I reflected on this, “At one stage of my life, I was more willing to take risks and was less afraid of the unknown; but when I lived a more comfortable and more affluent life, I was more fearful of failures.”

When we grow accustomed to comfort, we tend to be more fearful of the unknown or failures.  A comfortable life often blinds us from embracing obstacles as opportunities.  Seeing stability as safety stopped us from leaving our comfort zone.

This does not mean that we should be rash in making decision.  We can be both wise and willing to take risks.

There are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long range risks of comfortable inaction. – John F. Kennedy

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. – Andre Gide (French author and winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature)